Below is the headline introduction.
PHONE CONVERSATION BETWEEN NETANYAHU AND ERDOGAN
N: Hi, Erdogan. [with a Netanyahu smirk, which is accentuated when on American TV]
E: Hi. [sadly disapproving face]
N: Hey, man, I only got a minute `cause Obama has been kissing my ass and is actually slobbering, and about to board a plane.
E: Ok. Please hurry. I have to finish watching the last episode of season 2 of The Walking Dead. I hear Rick looses it in the third season. I saw it coming when he killed that other guy. Anyway, Lost was more gripping.
N: [looks at his phone to check the number] Ok, here goes. Well, I just want to say I’m sorry for killing your people on the Marmara. Seriously.
E: Oh, cool. Sure, no worries.
N: So, we’re good?
E: Yes.
N: Can we normalize relations?
E: I guess. Is Obama still next to you?
N: Yes.
N: Can we rebuild strong ties?
E: I guess.
N: So the ethnic cleansing business will not bother you?
E: Well, just don’t overdo it. After all, all religions encourage cleanliness.
N: Absolutely. We’ll be smart and methodical about it. Obama just donated his and one of his daughters’ kidneys to Israel, so we’ll be ok if there are glitches.
E: You mean if you don’t clean all the way . . . haha [laughs loudly but not hysterically]
N: [Snickers]
E: [Galaxy]
N: So, we’re all set? They are asking me to hang up.
E: Is Obama still next to you?
N: Yes.
E: I need to ask you for a favor.
N: Shoot.
E: First, do you believe in God?
N: Yes. He gave us land, to us, the chosen people.
E: Oh, please.
N: What?
E: Whatever . . . what I wanted to say is . . . [Netanyahu cuts him off]
N: You guys got his last revelation and the Christians got his son. It’s fair.
E: Ok, but you are viciously dispossessing the people who live there . . .
N: [“people?”]
E: Never mind, fine, can you promise to tell Obama something?
N: Sure.
E: Now that we’re all good about you killing our people, and Obama got somethign out of it, can you just make sure he understands all that Turkey`s been doing in recent years and not get all concerned about some of our actions, statements, and general direction?*
N: [Snickers] Of course. I don’t think he cares much anyway so long as you are back into the fold. Just be smart and methodical about it. Say “freedom” a lot. They like that.
E: Thanks so much, Bibi.
N: [Heart warms for hearing his nickname from Erdogan] Can I call you Erd? Or Gan?
E: I prefer to be called by my father’s name?
N: Who’s your daddy? No pun intended!
N and E: [both chuckle for a moderately long time]
E: Hey, Bibi, in the coming days, can I promote this apology as a function of Turkey’s new role in the region? Please?
N: Sure, but some of my people will chew you out in public, ok?
E: Sure.
Palestinians: [continue to be screwed by everyone]
Supplemental Reading/Viewing:
- Israeli Apology Resets Alliance With Turkey
- `We Are F*cking Powerless!` Jon Stewart on Obama`s visit to Middle East - 3-25-13
- Ankara billboard thanks Erdogan for Netanyahu apology
- Bennett: Erdogan making Israel regret its apology
- Cleansing and Disinfecting
* The wording of this paragraph was modified to reflect recent developments